Confessions of a Fanboy

One of the original series planned for this site was “Like I Need a Hole in My Head.” That series is dedicated to the horrendous side of music. I love it when an idea is validated. I just wish it didn’t have to be this one. Unfortunately, bad ideas spring from all corners of the music industry. Most of the time, they’re worth a quick, dismissive chuckle and they’re quickly forgotten. There are exceptions. Some ideas are so appallingly bad that they must be held up for mockery betwixt a stream of cursing, wailing, and the gnashing of teeth.

Poison is planning a covers album, Poison’d, set for release June 4.

If you’re not seriously trying to chew your own face off, wait until you get a load of the tracklisting:

1. “Little Willy” (originally performed by Sweet)
2. “Suffragette City” (originally performed by David Bowie)
3. “I Never Cry” (originally performed by Alice Cooper)
4. “I Need To Know” (originally performed by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers)
5. “Can’t You See” (originally performed by the Marshall Tucker Band)
6. “What I Like About You” (originally performed by the Romantics)
7.” Dead Flowers” (originally performed by the Rolling Stones)
8. “Just What I Needed” (originally performed by the Cars)
9. “Rock And Roll All Nite” (originally performed by Kiss)
10. “Squeeze Box” (originally performed by the Who)
11. “You Don’t Mess Around With Jim” (originally performed by Jim Croce)
12. “Your Mama Don’t Dance” (originally performed by Loggins & Messina)
13. “We’re An American Ban”d (originally performed by Grand Funk Railroad)

I have to thank regular Fanboy commenter and music writer extraordinaire Mark Saleski. Prior to our good-natured skirmish last week, I would have simply presented this list of songs and expected the outrage to emerge on its own accord. I think the atrocities this album is likely to inflict upon the music-listening world seem obvious. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to spell it out for people, and that’s okay. If I’m going to take a position, and I very clearly am taking a position on this Poison record, I should be willing to make a case and defend it.

I am choosing to the blame of this Poison covers album at the feet of Def Leppard. The Leps got some of the best reviews of their career – or at least the last decade and a half of it – for the covers album they released last year, Yeah!. No one was more surprised than me at how good that album truly is. I was astonished.

Maybe I should withhold judgment on Poison’d until the record is released. I should keep my mind open enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, Poison can astonish me, too. Maybe I should, but I’m not going to. The reason I’m not going to is because I’ve actually listened to more than a few songs by Poison.

Bret Michael has one of the blandest voices in rock. Note – I didn’t say it’s one of the worst voices in rock. I give him credit for not contriving some ridiculous screech or attempting to vocalize his manhood in the form of a fatuous growl. His voice is plain and so is his vocal style. I’m not a fan of Poison – big shock, that – but Michaels’ voice works well enough within the context of Poison’s music. Covering songs puts a singer in the role of song interpreter. This is where having a pedestrian voice becomes a liability. Michaels doesn’t have the vocal chops to bring any color or imagination to these songs.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. While Joe Elliott doesn’t have a superior voice, I’d rate him higher than Michaels. Beyond that, Def Leppard compensated for any musical or vocal deficiencies in the songs they chose. Many of the songs on Yeah! were originally performed by glam bands; something Def Leppard has been doing for 30 years. You can give Poison points for diversity, but those points are likely to evaporate when they are neither able to inject the song with their own sound or flesh out subtle details of the original by playing to their own musical strengths. In the case of Def Leppard, they also brought a genuine enthusiasm to their album and that enthusiasm was contagious. Poison might be able to do that, but there are limits to what enthusiasm can do.

Maybe Poison’s secret is that Bret Michaels is about as likely to outclass the instrumental section of his band as they are to bury him. The musicians in Poison lack the ability to to bring imagination or chops to these covers just as Michaels is lacking in the vocal department.

C.C. Deville played with a lot of flash but didn’t cultivate an original or engaging style of lead playing during the band’s formative years. What is his style? You can’t really call it blues influenced nor does he rate compare favorably with the upper echelon of hair metal shredders. He’s not considered a technically proficient player and his leads aren’t imaginative or memorable. Before it sounds like I’m ripping Deville mercilessly, now might be a good time to remind everyone that I can’t play a single lick on the guitar. His bland, derivative playing is well beyond my ability, which doesn’t put him in exclusive company.

I can’t scientifically prove this album is going to suck – I continue to contend I shouldn’t even have to try – but I have made a case and outlined what I see as the potential pitfalls for this record. You may still disagree with me. You might reject the very premise of such talk. That’s fine. Discernment and an understanding of history will spare me the psychological and aural trauma of hearing Bret Michaels singing “Dead Flowers” or “Squeeze Box.”

Filed under: Tags: Def Leppard, Like I Need A Hole in My Head