Christmas Songs We Could Do Without
Every year it seems to get tougher and tougher for me to enjoy Christmas. I’m sure some of it my premature grouchiness – my mom loves telling the story of how my favorite cartoon characters as a child were Yosemite Sam and Oscar The Grouch, so this has been building for decades now (and yes, I know Oscar isn’t technically a cartoon character, so get over it).
More than that, though, is the expansion of the Christmas season. I never used to believe there could be too much of a good thing until I started seeing fuckin’ Christmas decorations in stores before Halloween. Maybe I’m not grouchier, I’m just… tired. Fatigued. Overloaded. Dosed.
The more I think about it the more sure I become that the problem isn’t me, it’s the crass commercial expansion of the season. ‘Tis the season to blame someone else, after all. Maybe the reason I snarl at anyone wishing me a Merry Christmas in December is that I’ve been hearing Muzak Christmas carols for months now. With that cheery thought in mind, Glosslip’s Dawn Olsen and I have compiled a list of Christmas songs we’re already sick of hearing:
Josh Hathaway:
- Trans-Siberian Orchestra - “Christmas / Sarajevo 12/24:” What a piece of crap this overblown tripe is! I didn’t like it the first time I heard it and I don’t like it now. I think people dug it because it was different. Different isn’t always a good thing. This song, for instance.
- Kenny G - “Walking In a Winter Wonderland:” Horrible. Dreck. Unlistenable. Just about any time I get dragged to a craft store with TheWifeToWhomI’mMarried – which granted isn’t all that often — I hear this song. If I don’t hear it in fuckin’ Hobby Lobby, I’ll hear it in the grocery store. This song is one more example of why I don’t go anywhere without my iPod. It’s just hideous. There’s really no politically correct way to say this, but why do we have multiple Christmas records from Kenny G and Michael Bolton?
- Anne Murray - “Walking in a Winter Wonderland:” I don’t know, maybe I just have something against the song. I have an aunt who liked Anne Murray. I don’t know why. It’s time to retire this one. Scmaltz.
- Anything by Manheim Steamroller, especially that one song: Does anyone really need an explanation for this?
- The McKenzie Brothers - “12 Days of Christmas:” Yeah, I thought this one was funny when I was 14. It’s lost some of its luster. This one needs to go.
- Paul McCartney - “Wonderful Christmastime:” I love The Beatles and I like Sir Paul, but this turd needs to flush. That synth he’s using should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Dawn Olsen:
This was a tough list to compile, because unlike my vastly superior and uniquely talented co-conspirator Josh, I am a bitch 11 months out of the year and only cheerful in December. Despite have an unhealthy dose of pessimism, neurotic paranoia and a raging case of the grouch - I love Christmas and almost every song dedicated to its blinking, chiming, ringing joyeousness. To me, its the one time of year we can put aside our differences and come together for the common purpose of embracing our one true love: commercialism.
I’m joking, really, Christmas is about that ever elusive spirit that lurks within us all. The will to do good, be kind and share in our bounty. Cheesy? Perhaps, but I feel this with all the sincerity I can feel about anything. So without further ado my list of most hated Christmas songs.
- Manheim Steamroller, anything. Just like Tran Siberian Orchestra, these bastards have taken otherwise listenable songs and turned them into steaming piles of turds. Eric says there’s one album they did that didn’t suck infected wangs, but I choose to not believe him.
- “Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” Patsy and Elmo - I hate this song with the burning passions of a million suns.The cutesy schmaltz, coupled with its appeal to people’s inner redneck. I killed my inner redneck with a sawed off shotgun.
- Mariah Carey, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” I don’t really think I need to justify why I hate this because it should be obvious to anyone with any kind of reasonable taste in music, but just to clarify: its Mariah Carey, therefore it sucks.
- Back Street Boys, “Christmas Time” - Please see above, as the answer applies to both.
- Root Boy Slim - “Christmas At K-Mart” - I can appreciate the sentiment and overall subliminal messages of this song, but it is truly awful and a sonic assault on the ears.
Dawn’s Reaction
TSO is a huge deal here in Cleveland. For some reason, their concerts (and they play more than one sadly) are always sold out. Not sure what that says about Cleveland as a city, but it can’t be good. Its all the worse things about rock music with the added insult of making it about Christmas. Criminal.
Kenny G dumps his clarinet noodling all over a perfectly good song like “Walking In A Winter Wonderland” a song that touches on the very sentimental notion that Father Winter has ushered in the crisp, clean blanket of powdery white goodness. Kenny G needs to have the world’s most painful wedgie ever. Dork!
Anne Murray does the same thing to Walking In A Winter Wonderland, except Canadian style. And you know what that means. I don’t either, but it’s a real negative.
Already covered Mannheim Steamroller. It says a lot about that it made both mine and Josh’s list. It gets a big fat A+ for sucking so large.
I don’t know The McKenzie Brothers, “Twelve Days of Christmas,” but really, any version of “Twelve Days….” is a whole heaping pile of dirty dung, so we’ll leave it at that.
Here is where Josh and I part ways. I LOVE “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney. Sure it’s cloyingly sweet and ridiculously simple. That’s why it works. Christmas as its very root is cloyingly sweet and ridiculously simple. Making it complicated should be against the law.
Tune in for another Josh and Dawn installment when we discuss our “Favorite Christmas Songs Of All Time” wherein I pontificate on the joys of the season until your head explodes into little holly berries. I wonder, do those stick to reindeer fur?
Josh’s Reaction
I agree with every single one of your choices, Dawn. Man, those are some truly awful pieces of shit. What can I say? When you’re right, you’re right.
I didn’t know anyone still played the Backstreet Boys. That’s alarming in and of itself, but we’ll save that for another time. Mariah Carey damn near killed Christmas with that turd of an album. One thing that doesn’t get played anymore is the Jewel Christmas record. I actually won an award for trashing that pretentious piece of shit.
“Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer’ is funny as hell when you’re in fifth of sixth grade. That it has lasted this long is… well, depressing. Actually it’s worse that depressing. It’s just awful. I hope those clowns invested their money wisely. They must have. They’ve not really done anything anyone has had to endure since.
Filed under: Tags: Like I Need A Hole in My Head
Dawn Olsen, the one and only person in the entire world that likes “Wonderful Christmastime” besides Paul McCartney himself. She must be a complex (and possibly dangerous) woman.
If Cheech & Chong’s “Santa Claus and His Old Lady” isn’t on one of your upcoming “best Christmas” lists, I’ll throw a fit. It’s not Christmas without that one (okay, fine, not actually a “song.” Whatever.)
Tom, I think she is both dangerous and complex. She’s also funny and right on… for the most part. “Wonderful Christmastime” is cringe inducing, even by solo Macca standards.
Oh, and can I please say I’ll forever be ashamed for not being the first person on this site to use the term “infected wans?”
Well -
hmm.. I know I don’t have the same discerning tastes as you two –
I do Hate Grandma and her fucking reindeer. Makes you wish the reindeer would do a 180 and get the rest of the yahoos.
I kind of like Manneheim and the TSO, but Josh, that shouldn’t really surprise you.
Don’t hate Kenny G. either. I have to laugh because I forced poor Saleski to listen to a Kenny G track that I favored. He barely survived. (must have been a Christmas Miracle).
Wonderful Christmas? I don’t think I can get a focus on that one. I keep thinking of the other one by Lennon - (War is Over)
OH, and I forgot…
I happen to REALLY like the Mariah Carey song.
It just makes me feel like dancing. can it be that bad?
Sir Mary, that’s unspeakably terrible. You really should be asking me to delete that comment so no one accidentally finds it and believes you mean it. The degree of suckitude is… galactic!
Grandma got Run Over is one of my favorites! Also, anything be Josh Groban.
I liked “Grandma” in 6th grade, but I got past it. I’ve heard good things about the new Groban Christmas record, but that’s not really my speed.
I have to make a correction on my section, Kenny G does not play a clarinet, but rather a very fruity version of the saxophone. It’s also important to note, that the saxophone is an otherwise cool instrument and only someone as queer (as it is defined by it’s Webster) as Kenny G could make it totally lame sounding.
No offense to any aforementioned Kenny G - lovers - I’m not hating on you, just the him.
Thanks Josh, that was fun. I can’t wait to do my “best” list. It will make a even your inner Scrooge melt with joy
you would never hate on me Dawn : )
and hey…i thought it was a clarinet too.
So, Josh, which comment is worse? I dont think we agree on any of those songs. : )
Kenny G has given the soprano saxophone a terrible reputation. In the hands of a master like John Coltrane it did beautiful things. And to make this have some actual Christmas song content, ‘trane plays soprano sax on his gorgeous take of “Greensleeves,” a song I have never quite understood the reason why it is associated with Christmas, but nonetheless I cannot divorce it from the season because it does sound so Christmasy.
Mariah Carey is a much greater sin than TSO, but both of these crimes should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
I thought Dawn was being cheeky about Kenny G playing a clarinet. I laughed. It is, in fact, a soprano saxophone. The way G plays it — I might be the first person to ever refer to him as G — ear piercing and awful.
Oh, and Dawn… fat chance turning this Scrooge into a festive sort, unless you’re buying me presents.
ha! kenny g is an extremely talented man. i mean, who knew such melodious tones could be generated by blowing into a duck’s ass.
happy holidays!!
Please forgive my all of my egregious typos above - my computer has a filthy habit of turning off on me at random times, so I am always typing against the clock and therefore tend to sound semi-debilitated.
That’s all just an excuse, frankly, I am debilitated.
I don’t know what I’d really add to this list. I was at work one day last week and heard a truly tiring version of “Christmas Time Is Here” that just dragged and dragged. I’m also not a fan of TSO or Mannheim Steamroller. I seem to like my Christmas music to be either classic or really updated (the various Christmas Remixed albums have not stayed far from my CD player).
I actually kind of like “Wonderful Christmastime.” It’s bad but kind of endearing at the same time. Even if you hate the song, though, De La Soul did a damn good job sampling it on the track “Simply Havin’.”
Kenny G apologizes for taking so long to respond. The Google Reports are lengthy this time of year and this site is so low in popularity it ranks just under “dogmilkbutter.com” and some fat guy’s webpage dedicated to Ayn Rand.
Starting at the top, Kenny G already feels it’s not a fair fight as Josh is obviously not a real man, if his wife, more rightly named TheWomanWhoTookPityOnHim, was able to get him into a craft store. Does she also make you wear dresses when she needs to pin a hem? The reason there are so many Kenny G Xmas albums is because Kenny G is more popular than Mohammed now. And you aren’t the first person to refer to Kenny G as “G”. That would be your mother one sweet summer night about 30-odd years ago.
Kenny G is surprised Dawn ran out of chores and has time to waste on the computer unless there’s one in the laundry room, but her music knowledge is obviously limited if she does not know the difference between a woodwind and and a horn. Although if she wants to get her hands on Kenny G’s underwear, Kenny G prefers women be more direct rather than hint around.
Tom, Greensleeves is a Xmas song because lyrics were applied to it and it became “What Child Is This?” but then if you knew anything about music, you would know that, although if you knew anything about music would you be here. Go back to worshiping heroin junkies because that’s what the world needs more of.
Obviously new to the Internet, Saleski desperate for attention continues his childish antics. Kenny G is working with Gov Romney on his “Religion” speech so Kenny G will be in the northeast soon. Kenny G offers to swing by and help with the next Friday Morning Listen. A three-piece combo known as Kenny G’s fists on your fuckin’ skull!
There is one glimmer of hope amongst all this garbage. It is promising to see intelligent folk like Mary K on here, no doubt a woman of many passions that deserve to be fulfilled repeatedly. More of her posts and this site might make something of itself.
So long, bottom feeders.
Speaking of “bottom feeders”, The Iguana wonders just how much many countless hours Mr. G’s ilustrious assistant has spent spanking the sax to the internet phenomenon known as “2 Girls 1 Cup” (warning…not for the faint hearted, or easily grossed out).
With my best regards and holiday greetings to Mr. Gorelick,
The Iguana
Mr. Iguana has asked me to apologize for that last posting.
He has also asked me to urge in the strongest possible terms that those not familiar with the whole “2 Girls 1 Cup” thing (which Mr. Iguana just learned of this evening through one of his sicker friends — who Mr. Iguana has urged to seek the help he so desperately needs)…NOT do a Google search on this latest, most disgusting internet “sensation.”
If your curiosity still got the best of you, Mr. Iguana assumes no responsibilty. After all, he did try to warn you.
I think I want an assistant to write my posts for me, too. How does one go about getting one?
I leave you kids alone for one night and THIS is what happens?
But DO watch the reaction clips to “2 Girls 1 Cup†as they are hilarious. One (of many, many thousands) I found on YouTube described what was happening and that was as close to the real thing as I needed to get.
Kenny G. is a used up twat so full of repressed gayness that whatever was left of his penis has shriveled up into something that resembles a scabbed-over herpes sore, and out of shame even that scabbed up herpes sore has migrated to Kenny’s ass and is hiding somewhere behind his hairless and underused nutsack.
Kenny’s assistant on the other hand, is grim reminder to us all — while the internet is a vast world of knowledge and interesting destinations, it, like the earth is covered in repulsive vermin.
Peace out!
Although, I agree with his opinions on Mary K. She deserves to fulfilled repeatedly.
Well, thank you Dawn. And yeah, I can take some fullfilling.
But who is Kenny G’s assistant?
The George Michael song “Last Christmas” is a insanity-inducing, ear-chewing, craptacular, histrionic bit of ipecac. Or am I being to kind?
it’s not a good one, that’s for sure. Although I do find myself singing along anyway.
I am weak, what can I say.
I can’t wait for D & J to compile the fav. list. IT’s (for me) easier to come up with favorites rather then awful ones.
However, last year I did purchase a Harry Connick Christmas CD. It was absolutely nothing special. And I like HC too.
And my Reindeer comment still stands. Ick.
Speaking in his humble servant’s defense, Kenny G wants to point out that Kenny G’s assistant is too busy with chores to be masturbating while online. There’s no surprise that Glen is in the know when it comes to scat videos. Three words: I’m On Fire.
Pico, to get your own servant like Kenny G, you need to save the life of a village elder, but other primitive tribes may have different rules.
Who the young boy is unimportant, Mary. What is important is your fulfillment. Kenny G will have Kenny G’s people contact you before the weekend as Kenny G is still your area, although Kenny G will be leaving soon to work on some Black Ops in Venezuela. It is always good luck to have a night of carnal passion before starting a mission. While it will be the best sexual experience of your life, it will ruin you for every other man, so think twice before meeting because Kenny G learned the art of seduction from Barry White so in Kenny G’s presence your submission is inevitable, Mary my sweet.
Speaking of seduction, Dawn and her assistant, obviously there is still some resentment over the last time Kenny G passed through. Kenny G made clear Kenny G would leave when Kenny G was finished. The residual effect you are hinting at is your own fault as it was your suggestion Kenny G go “bareback”. Kenny G had forgotten that night and the many unspeakable things you allowed Kenny G to do to you, but after consulting Kenny G’s diary, Kenny G now understands what caused the instrument confusion on your part, and will forever be impressed by your rendition of “Begin the Beguine” with your lady parts.
Josh, your website rocks.
;&)
Although Barry White is often synonymous for seduction and virility - the dude and his singing doesn’t really do it for me.
So, it’s doubtful that Kenny G would have much power in that respect either.
I do wish him utmost Godspeed regarding his *secret* mission in South America. He may borrow my sparring gear and kamas if he so desires.
and he must remember — No Sax before a Fight.
Sir Pico, thank you and bless you.
At first i thought this post was a joke, but then i got it was serious. Well, there’s a doubt still..
Oh, I’m so happy to see that we’ve cleared up the Kenny G/clarinet/soprano saxophone debacle.
Because, let’s face it, I just wanted an excuse to rag on Kenny G. Can’t stand the man. He gives all saxophone players a bad name (and as a sax player myself, I totally resent that, I can give myself a bad name withuot his help, thenkyewvellymuch).
Now Dave Koz…THERE’S a sax player for ya.
And what’s so wrong with TSO? I had to dig out my TSO cd just to spite y’all.
I’m still working on my songs for your Thanksgiving song list. Okay, so I’m slow.
The Mysterious K: welcome to the board. We’ll look forward to your lists.
If you have to ask what’s wrong with TSO, strongly consider slicing off your left ear. Or, just take our word for it. Put down your TSO records. Dawn and I will have a suitable list of Christmas music soon.
I can’t slice off my left ear, my Wayfarers will sit crooked.
Well, they’re not really Wayfarers…they’re cheap knockoffs. And I got them at Dollar Tree. And they’re a little big. And I think they have a scratch on them.
So maybe I could chop off my left ear and it’d be okay, but then I’d be asymmetrical, and have I ever mentioned this OCD problem I have….
Anyway, I’m sick of hearing that Dolly Parton Christmas song, something about a “Hard Candy Christmas”. Oh, just shoot me now.
Where’s that knife?
OK, maybe we won’t slice it off. Instead, cram a hot poker in your left ear to atone for you TSO sins.
You shouldn’t have told me your Wayfarers are knockoffs. I don’t know what Wayfarers are. I wouldn’t have known the difference.
I’m finding more and more that I don’t like. From tir-some to just plain bad, here’s a few more.
“My Grown-up Christmas Wish” - Amy Grant.
Now I do like Amy Grant. I love “Thy Word”. But this grown up song is rather childish me thinks. Just don’t like it.
That Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers song. It makes me feel like putting hot pokers in my ears AND eyes. I cannot remember the name of the thing, but it grates on me wickedly. I don’t dislike either Parton or Rogers, but mannn…
And you’d think I/’d have more, having been listening to all-Christmas programming on the radio all day, but I cannot come up with any.
I still like TSO : )
Sir Mary, thanks for throwing in another 2 cents. That Parton/Rogers thing is slightly atrocious.
I’m going to cure you of the TSO thing. Help is on the way!
You don’t know what Wayfarers are? My God, man, haven’t you ever watched The Blues Brothers???
Yes, I’ve watched The Blues Brothers but it’s (obviously) been awhile. I’m back on the same page now.
I still would have been fooled by the knockoffs, though. Especially if you rolled in with the whole suit/hat combo.
I’m going to cure you of the TSO thing. Help is on the way!
But maybe I don’t wanna be cured!!!??
: )
That’s just the disease talking, Sir Mary!
[...] songs you only hear at this time of year. Glosslip’s own Dawn Olsen helped me decry the downside of that equation. Now it’s time to celebrate the good, and that’s something you can’t do alone. [...]