Confessions of a Fanboy

Even when they get it right, they still get it wrong.

Van Halen fans have been waiting for more than a decade to see David Lee Roth back in front of the band he helped launch to worldwide superstardom, and it was announced today that wish will be fulfilled. Great! So, what’s the problem?

Roth is back, but this is still not a full-fledged reunion tour because for reasons defying all understanding bassist Michael Anthony will not be a part of the tour. Anthony will be replaced by the teenage son of guitarist Eddie Van Halen, Wolfgang.

For most fans, Roth’s return will be enough to get them to shell out big bucks for tickets to see the show. I’m not one of them, and it’s not just because I’m a completist but we’ll start there. All four original members are alive and available. This is just so stupid. They’re going to charge reunion prices for a non-reunion.

Anthony isn’t much of a bass player, I’ll grant you. In high school, a buddy of mine wrote a song about him called “E-String Rider.” He said just about every Michael Anthony bass line was the same, E-string riding. He did, however, contribute some great screeching harmonies on some of the classic Van Halen songs and that will be missed.

It’s been an embarrassing road to quasi-reunification, which is a big part of the reason I’m likely to sit this one out. I love Van Halen. I love the Roth era. I like the Sammy era. I’ve seen the band with Sammy. I’d love to have seen them with Diamond Dave. Right now, that love for the music isn’t enough to make me want to see them try to re-create the magic as 50-somethings.

It’s not that 50-year old musicians don’t have anything to offer. Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen are still doing vital work and Bob Dylan continues to excel at age 60. The difference between these icons and Van Halen isn’t age as a number, but age as a concept. There comes a time when swinging around stage on inflatable genitalia becomes unseemly. Well, it’s always unseemly but it’s a lot funnier when 19-year olds do it.

Van Halen has never put much stock in dignity in the traditional sense and that is fine, but a little sense of time, place, and self is sorely needed. Does anyone think this is really going to end well?

Here are the tour dates, beginning in September.

• Charlotte, NC Bobcats Arena (September 27)

• Greensboro, NC Coliseum (29)
• Philadelphia, PA Wachovia Center (October 1)
• Toronto, ON Air Canada Centre (7)
• Cleveland, OH Quicken Loans Arena (10)
• Indianapolis, IN Conseco Fieldhouse (14)
• Chicago, IL Allstate Arena (16)
• Chicago, IL United Center (18)
• Auburn Hills, MI Palace of Auburn Hills (22)
• Minneapolis, MN Target Center (24)
• Kansas City, MO Sprint Center (26)
• St. Louis, MO Scottrade Center (28)
• Boston, MA TD Banknorth Garden (30)
• East Rutherford, NJ Continental Airlines Arena (November 3)
• New York, NY Madison Square Garden (13)
• Los Angeles, CA Staples Center (20)
• Glendale, Ariz. Jobing.com Arena (23)
• San Diego, CA Arena (25)
• Sacramento, CA Arco Arena (27)
• San Jose, CA HP Pavilion (29)
• Portland, OR Rose Garden (December 1)
• Seattle, WA Key Arena (3)
• Vancouver, BC Place (5)
• Edmonton, AB Rexall Palace (9)
• Calgary, AB Pengrowth Saddledome (11)

Filed under: Tags: A Day Late and a Dollar Short, Like I Need A Hole in My Head, Van Halen